‘Comfort Zones . . .’

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. -- Henry Ward Beecher

I recently shared a mouthful with someone I have grown close to. I opened by choosing my words carefully in the hopes that my heart would be revealed. I shared that it was only because I’ve had to do my own overhauling in these areas that I was able to recognize and share. What ensued was a shift in reception – denial that things were not needed in this area and what began as a meeting of hopeful progress, quickly turned into rejection and edited reception. What needed to be said was NOT wanting to be heard. Rather than addressing some of the issues – the things we often put band aids on to just get to the next day, I dug deep to get to the root of the many problems. I was told I didn’t need to do this. When I shared that things would continue as they were unless some major changes were addressed, I was given the cold shoulder and told not to worry about it. People hear ONLY what they want to hear and see ONLY what they want to see.

Like all things, it got me thinking - how far is too far as it pertains to seeking change . . . how far is too far in the realm of friendships?

I believe one that walks in truth hold much integrity. . . I also believe that he/she often holds much loneliness in doing so. I was tossed a question a long time ago – one of those pondering hypothetical questions on the placement of perceived selfishness: ‘Is it more selfish to SHARE a truth about something – relieving the sharer from the burden of that truth – but ultimately placing burden on the recipient – OR – is it better to NOT SHARE, holding the burden but allowing the recipient to walk in an state of ignorant bliss?’

I tend to act on the first and maybe this IS selfish in some way because it eventually spares me the pain of having to re-address the person’s embarrassment that ultimately ensues when the truth is finally revealed. TRUTH ultimately wins out, you know.

Friends who instinctually ‘groom’ others are often sneered at. Guilty. I just want people to be the very best they can be and as Mr. Beecher points out in the above quote - I cannot ‘bear to see the stain’ upon one that I care about and will risk sharing painful truths so that he/she may ultimately shine. Yes, if you have a fleck of food in your teeth, I will tell you – not because it’s annoying to me – but because I want to spare you the insecurities of discovering it yourself much later in the bathroom mirror and forever wondering who had seen you with that fleck. I am the one that that has to look away at an embarrassing situation – not because it causes me embarrassment but because it cause me heartache as I seem to literally FEEL the other’s humiliation.

Perhaps this was Paul’s thorn in his side – a continuous nagging personal hurt for those that could be so much more if they would just seek truth or at lease have the will to change. I often go back and forth with that scripture thinking it was this or simply his own ‘self doubt in whether he he did everything possible in the power that God allowed him’ – either way – it’s a continual ‘thorn’ as I struggle with similar pains.

While I am fully aware that I certainly do not have all the answers - that people will always have comfort zones they will not want crossed, I will most likely end up crossing some of them when internally prompted to do so because while I will forever risk moments of loneliness from doing so, I will do so because I walk in truth . . . because I have integrity . . . and because I am a friend . . . .

Until next time . . .